Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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