He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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