Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
