I haven't been this sober since birth.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Randomize
