It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
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