can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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