You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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