the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
