life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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