You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
