I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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