The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
