I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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