Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
