i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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