even my farts smell like vagina
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
