Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
