idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
