Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Randomize
