Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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