just survived the first fart of the relationship.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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