I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
