Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
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