her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
