i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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