Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
