Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
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