Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
