He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
