It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I smell like Dick and happiness
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
