Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
