AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
