whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
