I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
A+ Viking dick
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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