Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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