I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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