I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
