Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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