Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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