end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
