office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize