Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
