Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
