I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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