these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize