i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
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