The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Randomize