Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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