just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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