Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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