a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
