Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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