I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Randomize
