maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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