We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
