on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I deserve this hangover.
Randomize
