I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
