i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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