I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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